If you are still single and wish you were done with the BS of dating, madly in love already or mercy killed, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. Okay, truth is it’s just bad news, but the realizing of it might just wake you up, in a good way.
What if all the reasons you’ve been blaming for your singlehood don’t even remotely resemble the truth?
“What reasons?” the more conveniently doe-eyed of you might wonder.
Oh, I don’t know, how ’bout some o’ these?
1. All the good ones are taken. And, you do mean ALL. Done. Sold-out. Standing room only, if you’re lucky. And, well, you’re not lucky, so there.
2. If, however, somehow, perchance, they are not ALL taken, then they are either
a) gay
or
b) don’t know that they are gay.
3. a) Your parents sucked as role models, so, inevitably you are screwed and it’s your parents’ ultimate fault and not yours. Heck, you are doing your best, given what you got.
b) Your parents’ marriage was great and you are still single because of them, as well. You couldn’t possibly try to emulate them. You’d only fail, so why bother?
4. Online dating is in fact a sanctuary for satan. You are in hell. You know this for a fact: eHarmony = hell on earth.
5. All the men and women online (other than you) are ____-er than they said they were (i.e. fatter, older, balder, shorter, drunker, republicaner/liberaler, marrieder, etcetera).
6. When you finally lose the last ten pounds, he leaves his wife, you get a better job, a different mother, a different life coach and or therapist THEN you will be done with all the BS.
7. Your “perfect” man or woman must actually live in another city. And, not only do you never plan on moving, but the city you currently and will always live in has been dredged dry (see #1).
8. You haven’t found the right “rulebook” yet.
9. It takes luck and timing, and you’ve got neither.
10. You missed the (non-existent) boat.
11. The man or woman you didn’t really like way back when actually WAS THE ONE. S/he was greater than your memory serves (and your friends’ memories).
12. It’s your nose. That’s it. It has always been a problem. Sooo, you dated many in your past, even some great looking men/women. Nonetheless, your nose has always been the issue. Ah ha.
13. Sadly, if #12 weren’t enough, it’s the cellulite on your butt, or the size of your penis that is the real culprit and not the pint of Chubby Hubby you ate Saturday night to cheer you up about your nose.
I decided to stop at thirteen. Obviously, I could go on and, quite honestly, so could you. And you have (ouch). BUT, if indeed the endless plethora of reasons you like to spew about why you are single still has actually nothing to do with it, then what/who is the actual culprit?
Uh. Maybe it’s YOU.
YOU are actually way more married to your favorite crappy theories of why you CANNOT have love than you are interested in seeing yourself as the evidence-collecting chicken you are when it comes to love.
Once you can see that you are your own problem, then there are actual bold moves you can start making that would be more productive than proving your theories correct. Here are examples of what you can do:
1. See your own theories for what they are: BS. It’s not dating that is filled with BS, it’s YOU pretending to try to find love when really you’re in a different sport altogether.
2. Invent new theories on love and dating and prove THEM. I dare you. Thinking dating IS hard is brilliant and convenient, because then you don’t have to even bother going out at all. Heck, you can stay home AND watch Dexter AND blame ALL men. That’s double dipping, no? You get to eat ice cream, feel sorry for yourself, angry at them AND not date. You are hosting your own pity party, catering it and pretending you’re not!
3. Butcher your chicken. Make a certain number of bold moves daily. Prove the theory “I am brave” instead of “See? I/they suck.”
4. Write your own dating laws, with the first being: Tell the truth.
5. Date in your own league, and if that is an issue, get working on moving yourself into a better league.
6. Get the lies out of your dating profiles. Stop pretending you are low maintenance, if you aren’t. Stop asking for men who are 28-35 years old when you are 43 and looking for marriage. Stop making food so freaking important, unless you like fat men/women. Get those photos that make you look a bit whorish out of your dating profile. Otherwise, stop wondering why the men who come calling are looking for sex.
7. Clean up your home. If you really believe s/he is coming, then have your place show it. Search for signs for how you know s/he IS coming, not of how you know s/he is not. Nice try, but no more using your single status to get you off the hook for cleaning! (or shaving).
8. Stop using the word “guy” or — god help you — “chick.” Aren’t you ready for a man or woman YET?!! Then inform your mouth!
9. Make a consequence for each time you have a negative thought about you and love. I have my clients literally throw a dollar to the street every time they do. Start believing that your negative thoughts are your personal pollution and if you want he or she to come, cut back on the emissions. Yes, carry a wad of singles in the beginning, but ultimately, you will get better at controlling what your head says to you. You can vote on your thoughts.
10. If the person you like rejects you, they weren’t the ONE. Trust the “no.” It’s crazy-making to think someone who says “no” to you, is your “yes.” Let them go, now.
So, yes, maybe it IS you. BUT, maybe that’s more bold news than it is bad news.
And isn’t that some good news?!
Marnie Nir
P.S.- Join Marnie as she leads the 4-week teleseries Dating 101. Now that you know it’s you, do something about it; let us help you redesign your dating life.