Did you miss our Facebook or Instagram Live on LOVE and the cure for bad dates? Never fear (or bring your fears), we’ve got a hack into LOVE! It’ll answer questions like: how do you know if someone is your one? Or how do you know what you want when you’re looking for your one?
We call it the 3H’s which stands for the three inner voters inside each of us, the head, the heart, and, wait for it, the hoo-ha!
Ready for the Reader’s Digest version of the 3H’s?
Side note: if you are happily in love and thinking this isn’t the blog for you…don’t stop reading quite yet! This method of thinking works in other areas of your life too, like finding the career, friends, home, or community, etc. of your dreams.
Follow the 3H’s to the cure for bad dates, and beyond
Here is how the 3H’s roll. Consider you have a head, you have a heart, and you have a hoo-ha. Your hoo-ha, when it’s sexy time is *obvious*, but when it’s not sexy time, think of your hoo-ha as the cool, hip, and hot factor i.e. Are you into that thing? Is it sexy? Does it turn you on? Etc. Those three H’s of yours, your inner voters, are the ways to hack into what you most want. The reason it’s important to separate them out is because what matters most to your head is not what matters most to your heart, and what matters most to your heart is not what matters most to your hoo-ha. Sure, sometimes they seemingly share the same end goal, but most of the time, they’re actually competing forces.
The BIG mistake humans make, all of us, is that we think that the head, the heart, and the hoo-ha share one vote. Which, for a lot of us, means our thought process goes something like this: my head should get 60% because what matters most to my mind should matter the most…then my heart should be second, and then the hoo-ha can have a vote after that.
That is the WRONG MATH.
In The Handel Method, what we’ve figured out is that your head, your heart, and your hoo-ha are actually voting out of 300%.
No, you’re not going to get everything you want in each area (a.k.a. 100%), but you’re also not compromising during the Hunt (yes, the 4th H!) the way you’re willing to compromise right now.
What we have people do is figure out everything that matters most to their head.
The HEAD argues for what looks good on paper, voting in favor of who is practical and smart to date. Your head is the resume, job, religion, where you want to live, do you like the same vacations, do you live in the same town.
The HEART gauges the connection, trust, and respect. Do you laugh at their jokes, care about what they care about, are you safe, trusted and trusting, etc. The heart cares about intimacy, trust, respect, connection, and fun.
The HOO-HA argues for the one that’s hot and is measuring the attraction at all times. See: science.
And now for YOUR questions, OUR answers:
How important is physical attraction?
Whether it is your first date or your 25th anniversary, what I have found, sadly, is that, rightfully so, the head and the heart seem to out-weigh the hoo-ha in most relationships. Where people make a mess is they sell out on the hoo-ha.
People can hear the fault when they sell out on their their hoo-ha to keep their head and heart happy, because people are not impressed with themselves when they put their hoo-ha on a pedestal. Like they know better. For example, “Oh, I feel so much chemistry, but I don’t trust him and he lives in Colorado.” People can hear that that isn’t a good relationship.
But that doesn’t mean you do better.
On the other hand, if you say “He’s so funny and loving and he lives right in town and we have the same values, but, oh, the sex is only okay…” people don’t have the same thinking. They won’t cancel a relationship simply for the happiness of their hoo-ha.
Yes, there is a part to the hoo-ha that after your head’s happy and your heart’s happy, you’re hoo-ha has to be just as happy. But your hoo-ha’s vote should weigh the same. It’s really worth a lot. If you’re not attracted to the person or you’re working hard to be attracted, or you’re selling yourself that it’s okay that you’re less attracted, that will be why you get divorced or stop having sex altogether and turn into roommates…like really good roommates raising kids together, but that is not at all the love of your life.
I think sex is an incredible indicator, incredibly important. It’s not more important or less important. It’s really critical, as critical as the other two H’s.
Do the right math: each H gets a 100% vote.
Can trust be restored after your wife cheats with your best friend? Been together for 10 years.
Okay, so here is the first answer. Yes! (Hi, mom and dad!)
My Dad cheated on my mother, and they figured it out. They really figured it out. They did the work, they forgave each other. Or, rather, she forgave him, but she had a whole side to herself that explained it too, right? Like it really came together, and they wanted to fix it. But was it an easy fix? No.
Is cheating a popular problem in relationships? Yes! Most people play dumb to how much other people cheat. But yes, it can be healed. Yes, you can restore it. Yes, you really have to want to. Yes, it has to make sense, right?
Like, if you haven’t been sexual since the kids came…you stopped…started ignoring it, it really can make sense, and you have to understand. He’s not this scoundrel that you never trusted, in reality, the dynamics changed in your relationship.
That makes sense on both sides. What died, died together. Sadly you got more murdered in the death, like bloodier, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t both get there or could have stopped it from getting there.
If you have faith in him/her, love, and marriage, then of course you can work through it. If you believe the other person is going to become trustworthy again, then it’s fixable. If the other person has never been trustworthy, and they’re just trying to save the family, save their money, saved the scene, RUN.
There’s a lot of deep work to do, and you don’t have to be in a hurry. I’m dealing with a client right now, who’s in a disaster of this making. The lesson that I put him in is, we’re not making any decisions yet. We can’t trust any decision you’re making. Yes or no, I believe in both. We’re doing one day at a time.
You don’t have to go anywhere, because either way, if you’re going to end, it should end well. If it gets back together, it will naturally keep on staying together. One day at a time lets you slowly deal with it.
There is another name I call the hell you’re in right now: the crucible. That means something is getting purified, and it feels like you’re burning and everything’s burning. It could all go up in flames or not, but it’s actually purifying it all!
So get a coach, get Laurie Gerber on your team right now. If you can’t afford her, find someone who can mediate, who knows what they’re doing, and has been recommended to you. There really is a process to do one day at a time, and really take your time, to see if this is an ending or a reboot.
How do you call in your life partner?
Well, first of all, it’s a test. What does that mean? You can’t quit. You can’t stop. You can’t…it’s like if you want to be a singer, when are you done trying to make it as a singer? Never. It’s never done. If it hasn’t happened to your liking yet, keep going!
You don’t know when it’s going to happen, and you’re not in charge of when. You wish you were in charge of when, but you’re not, okay? I wish I was in charge of when, but I’m not. I can make a very long serious list of being pissed about how good I was, how hard I worked, how much I followed integrity and all my instructions, and it still didn’t give me what I wanted, exactly.
But I just can’t let go of my dream, or believing it’s going to happen in the next hour or minute…the breakthrough is always coming. The key ingredient: you have to believe, and you have to believe until your death. You’re worth it, they’re worth it, and it’s coming any minute. It’s a catch-22. You can’t give up your life and not be happy this moment, that he’s not there or she’s not there. You have to believe they’re there. You have to enjoy your time off, because they’re coming any minute. You have to stay in a state of belief, and not hate your life that you’re lonely. How come? Because your attitude is critical.
It is also critical that you’re taking all the right actions to be hunting for the person for real, right? How do you make people do it Lauren? I’m like, “30 minutes a day. Swiping, cooking up dates…” right?
No, really. Make sure your profile is the truth, and you’re not taking it personally. You’re really engaged in going out. I really recommend FaceTimes. Like if you find a person you think is awesome, then do a FaceTime so the hoo-ha gets a vote. Then go out on a date if everybody (head, heart, and hoo-ha) is screaming, “YAY!”
There is really no reason you should ever go out on a bad date again, vet people! Start texting, then move to a phone call. Then, after you enjoy the phone call, he’s like, “When should we meet up?” You’re like, “Oh, there’s just one more thing, let’s do a FaceTime. You want to do it tomorrow? Let’s have a FaceTime date.” Most people are great about it and will say yes. You should watch the ones that aren’t. It means their wife’s in the background, or kids are in the background; they’re 20 pounds heavier than their picture and bald.
It’s a really smart idea for both of you, saving time and money.
Finally, one of my favorites, a bit out there sure, is a philosopher named Neville Goddard. There is this one recording that I love, and it’s called Feeling is the Secret. How hokey is that? I know, but it was like from the 50s, okay? Go find it and listen to it, because it teaches how to believe in your mind. How to really program yourself beautifully, to be present to what you want and believe it’s happening. You’ll need it. And do a write up on what your head, your heart, and your hoo-ha want most. Then go to sleep every night, even though you’re alone, believing he or she is laying next to you. Really imagine it, and smile, and feel it. Like actually get into you, create reality with your imagination. Then you bring it toward you, right? You’re manifesting it at night before bed. In Neville Goddard’s whole story, he says that’s where your subconscious is, which is what you want to imprint. Let him explain it, not me.
Ready to rock and imprint your love life? Thought so.
Join us for our next Sister’s Are In Facebook and Instagram Live by following us on Instagram @handelgroup or Facebook @HGLifeCoaching.
P.S. Inner.U is a 12 session online course that gives you the tools to hack into your own life, hone your dreams, and have every last thing you want in the areas that matter most to you: CAREER, MONEY, LOVE, TIME, FAMILY, and HEALTH. Do this life thing better from wherever, whenever.