Recently I was upset to find that I still believe in some pretty dumb-ass theories. Namely, the thought that I am not romantic and that it’s not my job to clean up after myself. Yikes! Gross and unhelpful to my marriage right? But then I realized this is an epidemic, and everyone has his/her brand. I’m proving my “bad’ theories wrong, please join me. Here’s your pep talk: Your whole life is based on your theories. If you think a great career means you forsake your family, you will probably manifest just that. If you believe it’s hard to lose weight, it probably is, for you. If you think you aren’t well qualified for the kind of career you are desiring it’s going to take you awhile to settle into your dream job. If you believe that people don’t like hearing or speaking the truth and having real intimacy in their relationships with you, you’ll chicken out pretty often, or worse, you may even make sure the conversations don’t go well when they do end up happening. Our theories are so second nature and automatic for us, that you could see why I argue with people all day about them. The good news is that you can choose to change your theories and prove the theories you want to prove. As I said, I often forget this and it’s usually because I am still getting a lot out of my current theory. Let’s face it, we often enjoy righteous suffering or silence more than the risk of fixing our problems and fulfilling our dreams. When I need to remember this I harken back to some big bad theories I debunked once upon a time. You’ve proven the impossible possible before. You’ve surprised yourself. You’ve changed your mind and thus changed your results. Maybe once you thought you could never be married or have kids or own a home or get that job or reach that weight, and you did it. You should make your list too of the “bad” theories you’ve debunked. (Call them “dumb-ass” if you are ready to have a sense of humor about this.) Here are two of mine: 1) Childbirth is Painful: Now, pretty much everyone agrees on that one but I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to have a pain-free, natural childbirth. At that point in my life it was the biggest thing I’d ever embarked on, and I wanted it to be a deep, spiritual, present and miraculous experience. I failed with the first kid, though I credit the enormous amount of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical work I did for the fact that my active (unmedicated) labor was fewer than six hours. (I practiced a lot of self-hypnosis.) On the next kid, I had a longer labor (about 8 hours in a luxurious bath), but it was almost entirely pain-free. The moments of pain, interestingly, were around “transition” when, no coincidence, I believe I came up with the theory that because my first baby had been born in six hours that the second one should be here by now. I asked my midwife, she assured me it was not the case and I relaxed again and away went the pain. 2) You Can’t Have a Successful Career and Be a Great Mother: This theory is also pretty common, even though I have been on my soapbox about it for quite awhile. Suffice to say, I love and cherish being a mother and feel fulfilled about it, and I am rocking out with a career that is growing in exciting new ways every year. I am not a full time mother, but I enjoy quality time with my kids and my husband almost every day and find that that feeds my career and vice versa. Getting to this place required me debunking many theories related to how both work and parenting “should” look based on influences such as other people’s ideas, pop culture and my lineage. Remembering these two examples gives me hope that I will quickly debunk the theory that I am not romantic and the theory that cleaning up is not my job. I can tell you I’ve already put in some new promises and practices in these two areas because ACTION changes everything. Instead of waiting to feel something before you act in accordance with a new theory, we at Handel say, act first, then see how you feel. So I’m on a romance kick with my husband, business partners and kids and it is having delightful results! As for cleaning, I’ve made a promise to clear all my clutter in my house by the end of the year. That takes things up a notch. Surprisingly, I no longer feel daunted by these “responsibilities.” With a “game” in place, I feel excited to change myself and see the results. Please write in here and tell us what you are taking on! If you need more pep talks or a feeling of community, you’ll find that and more on our one-hour teleseminar: Debunking Your Dumb-ass Theories on Sept 28th at 9pm ET. You can always register now and listen to the recording if you cannot attend the call live. Love, Laurie
