When Lisa Lampanelli and Lauren Zander join forces, there’s no telling what will happen!
The Let Lisa Help Podcast brought them together for a conversation that covers everything from martyr-dumbs to best friends to dating apps. Listen or read some of our favorite moments to learn exactly what it’s like when two bad-ass women decide to help save the world.
Martyr-dummies
Lauren Handel: Oh my God. I am so happy you switched to caring about people and the way…I can’t even…It’s literally one of the most moving things. I’m so proud of how you give a shit about people.
Lisa Lampanelli: Well, listen. Let me say this. I care about people, but unfortunately, I used to care about them too much at the expense of myself. That is a problem, as you probably know as a coach, because people sort of put others first all the time. Now it’s sort of coming to the middle, I hope. But is this something people struggle with, is like, suffering for the greater good?
Lauren Handel: Well, we make a joke in Handel. We love a good nickname, so that if you know the nickname of it, you can separate from it. We call that martyr-dumb. We humans can be martyr-dummies.
Lisa Lampanelli: That’s great. Why do you think they do that? Like, why would I have felt like other people were the priority over me, why is that a tendency?
Lauren Handel: So, I also make fun that humans have the epis. Epigenetics. Like, you’re born into something. Right? You didn’t ask for any of it. You were born into it. I am sorry. Welcome to your mommy and your daddy. Okay, so which one was the martyr-dumb between the two of them? Someone was.
And then two, if you really think about it, like, that you’re the one that’s caring for everybody, they love you for that. Right? So, if you’re the martyr, if I ask you for something and you’re going to do something for me, you get a lot of love and attention from me. You’re so important.
So, now you feel very self important, except you didn’t get your laundry done. You didn’t get laid. You didn’t even get to eat dinner because you were doing everything for everybody else. They loved you for it. So, you get to feel very important, but you sacrifice yourself.
Lisa Lampanelli: Got you. So, we do it and because it gets us what we think we need, which is love and attention, then we ultimately deplete ourselves, hate and resent everyone, and swing back to the other end. I think that’s our pendulum.
What I think happened to me was, I think, you’re right. It got attention, then I was like, resentful of everyone I took care of, and then I was like, “Well, I’m just going to care about me.” So, for several years that’s all I did, and now I’m sort of bringing it back to the middle. I think the best we can hope for in life is to just notice those things and bring them back to the middle, and just live as a functional human being.
Finding the Right Friends
Lauren Handel: For me, personally, I was not a genius when it came to friendships. Friendship was the place where I would over give for love and attention, and people who clapped for me that I loved. Then at some point I was gossiped about or talked about, and it wasn’t balanced and it was my own damn fault because I was picking people that couldn’t give as much as I could, or needed more heavy lifting than me. So, for a long time I got screwed by girlfriends. And hurt, and brokenhearted by people I had brought into my life and gave everything to. I learned the lesson hard there.
Lisa Lampanelli: So, that’s where it actually kicked in.
Lauren Handel: Yeah, I don’t have those casualties anymore. Like, I really do learn and understand that my biggest mistake with friendships was I was picking people who were not actually epic enough, like, in comparison to how much I was out to accomplish, and what a whore I am at accomplishing. I needed equal hoes. Right? So, that’s when I figured out that my best friend among others would be, for example, Mark Hyman.
Lisa Lampanelli: Who was, of course, Doctor Mark Hyman of the Cleveland Clinic, who is phenomenal.
Lauren Handel: Right. He makes me look like I’m an underachiever. I’m now relaxed. He’s relaxed. We both can hang and love each other without needing anything from each other, and really just talk, and be together. Because it’s totally equal in being.
Lisa Lampanelli: So, your picker for friends is right on target.
Lauren Handel: That took a long time.
Lisa Lampanelli: We did a whole show discussing friendship. We’re talking about how, you know, it’s okay to end friendships that no longer serve you. You can end them in an honorable way. You can have a discussion. It doesn’t have to be ghosting. It doesn’t have to be angry and yelling. You know? It can just be, “This doesn’t serve us anymore, but I wish you the best.”
But it’s hard. It’s hard to get to the age, or the mental capacity, or emotional capacity to have those talks. You have to.
Lauren Handel: Yeah, I mean, I teach that. I’m very good at the endings. I like new beginnings. I’m good at starts and stops, and middle points, and calling it all out. But it took a while because I fall hard for people. Like, once I love you, I’m going to help you with absolutely everything…I don’t want to not give.
But a friend isn’t someone who needs me. The one who doesn’t need me is the perfect friend, and I can over-give to them. So, it’s moved into a place where it’s much deeper and more honest.
Do dating apps work?
Lisa Lampanelli: Let me ask you real quick. Do you think for famous people, or rich people, these dating apps work? Do you think dating apps in general work?
Lauren Handel: I love dating apps.
Lisa Lampanelli: Do you love them? Or matchmaking services or things like that?
Lauren Handel: Yeah. I think that if the person believes something is possible, then everything conspires to unfold. Right? So, then if you go, “Lauren, what would you make me promise right now in order to find love?” I would say, “You know what? This is the promise. Within the next three years you will find the love of your life. It will be epic. You will know what your head wants, your heart wants, and your hoo-ha wants. You will not sell out for anything or anyone.” Right? You don’t need to. That’s the value of not giving a poop if you have anyone right now. So, you’re in the most delicious position to want something. Because you don’t need it.
Lisa Lampanelli: That’s beautiful.
Lauren Handel: Okay? Then from there you’re like, “Let me try the dating sites. Look at these guys.” Right? Then you can play.
Lisa Lampanelli: It’s almost like you do it with some humor and fun, and a lightness that used to be a heaviness.
Lauren Handel: Yes. You have to want it and believe it’s possible. Then don’t pressure yourself like something’s wrong; give yourself a deadline that feels doable. Then it’s fun. It even changes the way you walk down the street. You’re like, “I wonder what my guy looks like?” Right? You haven’t even explored your intuition about who you’d fall in love with. It has to be fun. It’s not an obligation.
Lisa Lampanelli: Right.
Lauren Handel: So, anyway. That would be my coaching for what’s possible for you. I would love to make you play and understand what your head, heart, and hoo-ha really want.
Listen to the full interview to hear more of these gems from Lauren and Lisa!
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